being good enough

I think it's time to talk about something that I very rarely want to talk about: my size.

I want you to know that I am terrified of publishing this post. 

But I want to do it regardless.

"I've never been skinny. Ever." Is what I normally think about when I think about my size and how I look like or have always felt about my appearance. But the truth is, I'm now a lot bigger than I was say 3 years ago. I used to play volleyball but gave it up after 7 years because it just didn't feel great anymore. After quitting I gained some weight and got some stretchmarks, which was horrifying. I was so confused and stressed because I didn't realise I'd gained weight and I felt terrible. But, after a while, they faded and my head sort of cooled down. At my prom I looked good and felt happy.

When I started in uni a year ago I honestly thought I'd lose weight. Just because I kept imagining this scenario where I can finally control what I want to eat and do sports and ration myself. Well now, a year later, I'm bigger than I've ever been. I'm finding myself stressing about my stretchmarks all over again but that's now coupled with compulsively thinking about ways to lose weight - which is not good. My head is going crazy because I feel like I can't be accepted and everyone looks at me with disgust when they see me.

On the other hand I like myself. I really do. I may be fat but that's who I am and I still think I'm quite pretty and desirable. And I definitely don't think being big means you can't be all sorts of amazing.

I am healthy. I'm not morbidly obese. I'm just big. Blobby. Chubby. Curvy. However you want to put it. I don't desire to be really skinny. I don't want that. I just don't want the looks I'm getting right now. I don't want the stretchmarks. I don't want this feeling in my head again. I don't want to lose weight so that someone will come and say "WOW you've REALLY lost A LOT of weight that's FANTASTIC !" I really hate that the only way to get validation from other people is to lose weight.

What I do want is to stay healthy. I want to enjoy sports. I want someone to say "wow you looks really amazing today" and mean it. I want to be accepted as I am. I want to get out of thinking "when I'm thinner I'll.." and just start changing my relationship with food and sports to something healthy, to something that might even help me lose weight.

What worries me is how obsessed I am with losing weight right now. I just saw a picture of a friend that I haven't seen in a while and felt (not even joking) pure terror because she looked like she's lost some weight. For a second I realised that I'd, once again, be the fat one in our friend group and I felt absolutely terrible. And then I realised how fucking insane that sounds. How fucking insane I am for thinking that. How fucking not ready I am for a diet. "It's just that all the people around me are losing weight and getting more fabulous by the second. And all I do is gain weight." these thoughts worry me and make me realise how much I need someone to tell me that I'm fine the way I am and don't need to change. Not unless I want to and for my own sake, not for anyone else's.

Because right now I'm scared that losing weight will mean losing myself. That, my read readers, is definitely not what I want.

(almost a year between the first and the second pic)