being good enough

I think it's time to talk about something that I very rarely want to talk about: my size.

I want you to know that I am terrified of publishing this post. 

But I want to do it regardless.

"I've never been skinny. Ever." Is what I normally think about when I think about my size and how I look like or have always felt about my appearance. But the truth is, I'm now a lot bigger than I was say 3 years ago. I used to play volleyball but gave it up after 7 years because it just didn't feel great anymore. After quitting I gained some weight and got some stretchmarks, which was horrifying. I was so confused and stressed because I didn't realise I'd gained weight and I felt terrible. But, after a while, they faded and my head sort of cooled down. At my prom I looked good and felt happy.

When I started in uni a year ago I honestly thought I'd lose weight. Just because I kept imagining this scenario where I can finally control what I want to eat and do sports and ration myself. Well now, a year later, I'm bigger than I've ever been. I'm finding myself stressing about my stretchmarks all over again but that's now coupled with compulsively thinking about ways to lose weight - which is not good. My head is going crazy because I feel like I can't be accepted and everyone looks at me with disgust when they see me.

On the other hand I like myself. I really do. I may be fat but that's who I am and I still think I'm quite pretty and desirable. And I definitely don't think being big means you can't be all sorts of amazing.

I am healthy. I'm not morbidly obese. I'm just big. Blobby. Chubby. Curvy. However you want to put it. I don't desire to be really skinny. I don't want that. I just don't want the looks I'm getting right now. I don't want the stretchmarks. I don't want this feeling in my head again. I don't want to lose weight so that someone will come and say "WOW you've REALLY lost A LOT of weight that's FANTASTIC !" I really hate that the only way to get validation from other people is to lose weight.

What I do want is to stay healthy. I want to enjoy sports. I want someone to say "wow you looks really amazing today" and mean it. I want to be accepted as I am. I want to get out of thinking "when I'm thinner I'll.." and just start changing my relationship with food and sports to something healthy, to something that might even help me lose weight.

What worries me is how obsessed I am with losing weight right now. I just saw a picture of a friend that I haven't seen in a while and felt (not even joking) pure terror because she looked like she's lost some weight. For a second I realised that I'd, once again, be the fat one in our friend group and I felt absolutely terrible. And then I realised how fucking insane that sounds. How fucking insane I am for thinking that. How fucking not ready I am for a diet. "It's just that all the people around me are losing weight and getting more fabulous by the second. And all I do is gain weight." these thoughts worry me and make me realise how much I need someone to tell me that I'm fine the way I am and don't need to change. Not unless I want to and for my own sake, not for anyone else's.

Because right now I'm scared that losing weight will mean losing myself. That, my read readers, is definitely not what I want.

(almost a year between the first and the second pic)

seven

"They say it takes seven years 

for all the cells in your body to renew

themselves

seven years

to let go 

I guess

to give room

for a whole new you

what a wonderful thought that is

I guess my seven years 

are longer than everyone else's 

but then again

I've always been 

terrible

at math"

(wow this is scary but exciting ! This is the first poem I decided to publish.

Hope you like it !)

if you must fight, fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night

I've been thinking about happiness and what that word means to me. In my last post I told you I was unhappy, sad even and that was the case at that very moment. What I failed to see, however, was that a lot of awesome, mindblowing things had already happened and were about to happen. I've experienced so much this summer and come to think of it, I've been over the moon way more than I've been sad or lonely or angry.

Why haven't I been able to see the good things ?

Well, I'd like to think that it was the heartbreak I suffered at the end of June but no, that's not it really. I fell in love with a person that had no respect and time for me and now that I've realised that, I've been able to think of this heartbreak as more of a "I saved myself from possible future emotional abuse and neglect". Which is fantastic. No, it was not the heartbreak that caused all this. It was me. I failed to se the good things because my mind is always banging on about the bad things. I see myself very critically and tend to think that other people are always judging me and how stupid I am. Truth is, no one really thinks about me like that. Not random strangers anyway. It's me who feels this way and it's insane.

I am a smart and worthy person. I'm pretty and I appreciate the work and effort I've put into things in order to get here. And now I need to move forward. I need to learn more about myself and start believing what I just said. I need to not take shit from anyone. I need to be me.

Which is something I don't think I've been in a while now.

ps. I've decided to start publishing my writing here. Mostly poetry but maybe even some short stories (they need some serious work though, so don't wait for them anytime soon). I'm excited !