do not stand at my grave and weep

"Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die."

- Mary Elisabeth Frye

And some of my own words to end with:

"Pain is easy portray

but in the end

 it's memories that remain."

xx Elli

being good enough

I think it's time to talk about something that I very rarely want to talk about: my size.

I want you to know that I am terrified of publishing this post. 

But I want to do it regardless.

"I've never been skinny. Ever." Is what I normally think about when I think about my size and how I look like or have always felt about my appearance. But the truth is, I'm now a lot bigger than I was say 3 years ago. I used to play volleyball but gave it up after 7 years because it just didn't feel great anymore. After quitting I gained some weight and got some stretchmarks, which was horrifying. I was so confused and stressed because I didn't realise I'd gained weight and I felt terrible. But, after a while, they faded and my head sort of cooled down. At my prom I looked good and felt happy.

When I started in uni a year ago I honestly thought I'd lose weight. Just because I kept imagining this scenario where I can finally control what I want to eat and do sports and ration myself. Well now, a year later, I'm bigger than I've ever been. I'm finding myself stressing about my stretchmarks all over again but that's now coupled with compulsively thinking about ways to lose weight - which is not good. My head is going crazy because I feel like I can't be accepted and everyone looks at me with disgust when they see me.

On the other hand I like myself. I really do. I may be fat but that's who I am and I still think I'm quite pretty and desirable. And I definitely don't think being big means you can't be all sorts of amazing.

I am healthy. I'm not morbidly obese. I'm just big. Blobby. Chubby. Curvy. However you want to put it. I don't desire to be really skinny. I don't want that. I just don't want the looks I'm getting right now. I don't want the stretchmarks. I don't want this feeling in my head again. I don't want to lose weight so that someone will come and say "WOW you've REALLY lost A LOT of weight that's FANTASTIC !" I really hate that the only way to get validation from other people is to lose weight.

What I do want is to stay healthy. I want to enjoy sports. I want someone to say "wow you looks really amazing today" and mean it. I want to be accepted as I am. I want to get out of thinking "when I'm thinner I'll.." and just start changing my relationship with food and sports to something healthy, to something that might even help me lose weight.

What worries me is how obsessed I am with losing weight right now. I just saw a picture of a friend that I haven't seen in a while and felt (not even joking) pure terror because she looked like she's lost some weight. For a second I realised that I'd, once again, be the fat one in our friend group and I felt absolutely terrible. And then I realised how fucking insane that sounds. How fucking insane I am for thinking that. How fucking not ready I am for a diet. "It's just that all the people around me are losing weight and getting more fabulous by the second. And all I do is gain weight." these thoughts worry me and make me realise how much I need someone to tell me that I'm fine the way I am and don't need to change. Not unless I want to and for my own sake, not for anyone else's.

Because right now I'm scared that losing weight will mean losing myself. That, my read readers, is definitely not what I want.

(almost a year between the first and the second pic)

seven

"They say it takes seven years 

for all the cells in your body to renew

themselves

seven years

to let go 

I guess

to give room

for a whole new you

what a wonderful thought that is

I guess my seven years 

are longer than everyone else's 

but then again

I've always been 

terrible

at math"

(wow this is scary but exciting ! This is the first poem I decided to publish.

Hope you like it !)

if you must fight, fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night

I've been thinking about happiness and what that word means to me. In my last post I told you I was unhappy, sad even and that was the case at that very moment. What I failed to see, however, was that a lot of awesome, mindblowing things had already happened and were about to happen. I've experienced so much this summer and come to think of it, I've been over the moon way more than I've been sad or lonely or angry.

Why haven't I been able to see the good things ?

Well, I'd like to think that it was the heartbreak I suffered at the end of June but no, that's not it really. I fell in love with a person that had no respect and time for me and now that I've realised that, I've been able to think of this heartbreak as more of a "I saved myself from possible future emotional abuse and neglect". Which is fantastic. No, it was not the heartbreak that caused all this. It was me. I failed to se the good things because my mind is always banging on about the bad things. I see myself very critically and tend to think that other people are always judging me and how stupid I am. Truth is, no one really thinks about me like that. Not random strangers anyway. It's me who feels this way and it's insane.

I am a smart and worthy person. I'm pretty and I appreciate the work and effort I've put into things in order to get here. And now I need to move forward. I need to learn more about myself and start believing what I just said. I need to not take shit from anyone. I need to be me.

Which is something I don't think I've been in a while now.

ps. I've decided to start publishing my writing here. Mostly poetry but maybe even some short stories (they need some serious work though, so don't wait for them anytime soon). I'm excited !

you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

Something's always wrong, I've come to accept that. Hearts breaking, no money, rain, illness, etc. For fleeting moments there's peace and happiness but it all goes away at some point, to give room for all the wrong and sad things.

These pics were taken at a time when I was really happy.
Needless to say that that is not the case now.

let them wonder how we got this far, cause I don't really need to wonder at all

I remember obsessively listening to Paramore when I was 15. They're still great and Still Into You has been playing on repeat for the past few days. Also, Hayley's hair is pretty amazing, am I right ?!

lost in the memory as it shakes up the corners of my heart

"Running through the heat heart beat
you shine like silver in the sunlight
you light up my whole heart
it feels like the sun, the sun
we're running around and around
like nothing else could matter in our lives"

Ah summer, my love. Finally you have found your way back to me.

that's a sawn off shotgun and I can only hope you've got it aimed at me

Ah spring ! What a time to be alive.
Some days I feel like the world would really be a better place without me in it
but then most days I'm filled with such divine happiness
and I guess that's what keeps me going
(also the thought of our smile
and your eyes
the sound of your voice
and your lips on mine)

and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break

I just heard this song and immediately had to come share it here ! I really love the way this song grows towards the end and somehow this gives me such divine happiness ! Take a minute (or four) to listen, it'll be worth it i promise.

the cinders they splinter

"Flow sweetly 
hang heavy
you suddenly complete me
you suddenly complete me"

I miss summer so bad but the sun's shining so that's an improvement to before. It's so cold though !
I also didn't realise how much I'd missed Yeah Yeah Yeahs until yesterday when I accidentally hit play on Hysteric. Such an amazing song.

has it been a day or a week ?

Well it's been six months since the moment these photos were taken ! But hey, better late than never, right ? Just felt like sharing some black&white photos with you ! I quite like the haziness in these !

maybe I think you're cute and funny

Movies, kisses, good times.
Life is nice sometimes.

I'm your lionheart

Here have some close-ups of my face ! The first pic was taken yesterday and the second almost a year ago.

y'all having a good time out there

Some pics from my sister's prom ! She is so pretty and I'm so very proud of her.

This is a story of a man who died twice

My friend introduced me to this a week ago. I have one question.
How have I not heard of Woodkid before ???
Such an amazing artist, such amazing music and the most mindblowing thing about it all is that the music videos are absolute masterpieces. They fit the songs perfectly and the cinematography is absolutely brilliant. Have a look and a listen, you won't regret it ! Oh and once again, remember to change the quality to at least 720p and preferably watch it on full screen to achieve the best five and a half minutes of your life !

that's nice, what a metaphoric fall

"Love is clueless and destiny is wishing"

"Lost birds can't fly home. Stranded in the sky alone."

"It's not getting easier. Not getting easier. I hope that you're folding stars."

"Don't leave my haggard heart alone on the water."

"And I don't know if in the morning I will be here. And if so, let it be known that I was worthy."

"With a word all my love came rushing out."


Just some songs that I've been in love with lately and a quick hello !
Love you !
(regular posting will return shortly !)

brilliant colours she's never seen

Oh I miss summer.

Just a quick post to let you know that my 2013 started off really well and that YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY LISTEN TO THAT SONG !

Ok, here's the deal. I often post songs alongside with photos because I think it's nice to have something to listen to when looking at pictures. Often my posts and the pictures in them are inspired by the song that's attached to them.

But if I am begging you to listen to a song: 

That song means a lot to me. It may even be a song that describes who I am as a person more than I ever could myself.

Is it awfully silly to believe that songs make me a better person through the fact that they make me realise things about me that I would never have normally realised ?

Anyway. I can strongly relate to that song. I really hope that during 2013 I will be able to get out of my own way and start doing things I love without hesitation ! Because not living life to the fullest and being scared all the time is a sad way to live.

Laters !
- Elli

OH and hey you ! I really like comments  ;)