oh lately

I feel wanderlust.

I feel so aware of myself and my life and what I have ahead that it's just out of control. This spring will bring huge challenges, a lot of hard work and dedication and, hopefully, at the end of all this, there'll be celebration. I'm so happy that I've reached this part of my life, this phase of constant vibrancy and change. But I'm terrified, too. My nights are full of nightmares and I keep asking myself if I'm heading for the right path after all. If what I want now is what I'll want say a year from now.



I'm sick of this town. In that picture above is the city I truly love, the city that my heart and soul long for as I roam around aimlessly in this little insignificant town I'm chained to. I hate the empty streets and the people who won't even say hello. I said my goodbyes to my little town as I left it for the holidays, knowing that I'd still be spending numerous months here. I unraveled the streets and places and people as the train left the station. I waved goodbye.

And coming home was terrible. Because this no longer is where I want to be. As terrible as this may sound and while I love my room and my family and my house, this doesn't feel like home anymore. My body's trapped here while my mind has already moved on. Gosh, sound's like I'm in a coma or something.



I don't feel so alone anymore.
Which is good.
I think.
After two years of feeling like I am, in fact, the loneliest person alive.
And no one can understand that, the loneliness I felt.
Because I have friends, awesome, wonderful, friends who I love very, very much.
And I have a family I'd do anything for.
To have all that, to be so privileged, and to still feel alone is...
It's not something I can ever explain. But I'm weird that way.
I never seem to be able to explain anything properly.
And that bothers me.



I miss that girl in that picture. That moment in my life. I was so happy, so full of wonderful thoughts and so giddy with anticipation. I had a crush on someone amazing. I walked out of the school doors that day, feeling freer that ever.



Part five  on Elli's favourite songs !
This song is such a powerful song to me. It captures the feeling when you love someone, you still love someone after you should have already stopped loving them, and you try to convince yourself "I never think of calling you or how things could've 
been." And I can't help loving it. The irony, the longing.

This post is probably a million miles long. But who cares, eh ?

Some feels for you on this idle Tuesday night.